My Grandmother

Her name is Elsie; she was born January 22,1920. She had a stroke February 12 2007, and is paralyzed on her right side. She can not eat, she can not swallow, she can not walk, she can not talk...

She married Christian and had a son; my father Chris in January 1944. Christian died in a plane crash when my father was 11. For a year they would not pronounce him dead because they could not find his plane. My Grandmother pushed and pushed and when they finally found the plane (in a lake in Texas) she sued the pants off the airport who let the men take off with out equipment. She remarried years later; a man named Donald.

When I was a little girl, my Great Aunt Aggie moved in with my Grandmother. Aggie was having a tough time taking care of herself, so Grandmommy helpped out.

When my daughter was born, her birthday parties were at my Grandmother's house and we went trick or treating there every year. Even after her stroke we went trick or treating there. I suppose it was part of my inability to let go...

GrandDonald died last February, and she is still stuck in a nursing home. Unable to say good bye or even attend his funeral.

Today, I spoke to a lawyer. She did not want to be kept alive by tubes...so I had to find out what I need to do to help her. She is not getting better. She is in pain. She is miserable. She is dying at a snails pace...

I don't know what will happen next.

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small cafe
The park across the way
The childrens carosel
The chesnut trees
The wishing well

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summers day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIGO6mQnLjQ

The cold hard truth...

So tonight I was writing an email to my Aunt Wanda to kinda give her a quick update on my family and stuff. Told her about Kate wearing a size 8 shoe, being 13 and already an inch taller than me, and the parental rights termination hearing....when I realized for the first time...

My Grandmother will not be at the adoption hearing. She won't be able to tell the judge that I am a good mom, that I have been a good mom since day 1...she'll only get to look at pictures. This is something she wanted to see so badly. She and my Grandfather. He passed away earlier this year and I came to terms with the idea that he would never see it. But I had somehow managed to *not* think about how much it meant to me that she wanted to be there; to see it.

So tonight, because this is all I can think about. Because I can't stop crying, and because I love them all I will share a secret. I know what suffering is. It's not what you think...it isn't what I thought...

My Mom's Mom, Grandma--she passed away in 1995. Pre-Kate...I know had she gotten to meet Kate she would have loved her.
My Mom's Dad, Grandfather--passed away when Kate was younger. He and Kate got along great. He started her collecting dolls and coins! Back then we had no idea how badly things would go down hill with Kate's birthmother. I had always wanted to adopt Kate, but her BM was in the picture back then...trying to be Kate's mom...just not trying very hard...
My Dad's Dad, GrandDaddy--I never met him. He died in a plan crash when my dad was a boy. I often wonder if he'd be proud of me, if he would approve of Frank...but I *know* he would have loved Kate.
My Dad's Step Father--GrandDonald--He adored Kate! He was tickled when he heard about the plan for adoption. I only wish this was done sooner for his sake...Kate was devistated when he passed. She missed a whole week of school and we just couldn't believe he was gone. Some days I forget.
My Dad's Mom, Grandmommy--The only Great Grandmother on my side that Kate got to meet. She had a massive stroke a few years ago....the adoption was going to be a surprise but we told her. We wanted her to have something to look forward to. But we know now that she is not coming home. She is paralyzed on her right side, she's unable to speak or eat...
Her husband GrandDonald passed while she was stuck in that nursing home...

You know when I found out about my CF and then about the mitochondrial mutations...when they told me the odds of making it to 4o...with my motor functions in tact...I cried and I couldn't understand why I was the sick one. Why I had to suffer...but life went on. I dealt with it. But when she had the stroke I learned what it was to truly suffer. It is watching someone you love suffer...to watch her try to move---to say something. Anything. Nothing. For the life of me I still can not figure out why this happened to her...

That is why from this night on...I will not cry for what CF or mitochondrial mutations will take from me, but for what they will take from every one I hold dear. Because I know how they feel watching me struggle.