The Ghost of Christmas Past

It's all most Christmas, and I took me a while to get into Christmas this year. You know, the holiday spirit. I guess you could say I've got it know, but I still feel kind of blah. All my major shopping is done, just need to pick up some stocking stuffers. But I'm still not feeling all Christmasy, I maybe feel 65% Christmasy.

I spent some time last night thinking about this past year, and I think I realized why I don't feel it. 2010 has been not nice to me, and I'm feeling a little kicked. My Grandmother passed away this year, I lost health insurance, my muscle disease has caused more problems...I could go on...but it is pointless. It won't help me feel better.

So I have been trying to get in the Christmas spirit. I've been randomly listening to carols for short blocks of time. I've been eating cookies and other holiday desserts every day (sometimes twice). I've been watching holiday movies with my family. Nothing seems to help though, and I'm running out of ideas. My last class discussed depression and I fit the bill.

After my Grandmother passed I waited for my "break down moment" you know the one where I spend a day or two sad and mopey, the one where I eat everything in the house and cry a lot. But it just hasn't happened yet. So I'm thinking this might just be the root of my depression; everything else is good...my family, my friends...yeah some other stuff happened but I don't know if it was enough to throw me off my game. Not like this.

I just cannot let my guard down enough to allow myself to get upset, I'm used to being the strong one. I keep thinking of how we would go over every year on Christmas when I was a child; and then when Kate was born we took her over every year too. We had dinner there, at least until I got married and had Christmas dinner with my husbands family and Thanksgiving dinner with mine. I remember walking in and seeing that Santa had brought me Barbie's townhouse and the year I got the cool cabbage patch with cornsilk hair. I remember when I got older sitting in her turtle back chairs and listening to Christmas Music while GrandDonald cooked dinner. Some years we would tinker on the piano before dinner was ready.

I know I'm not the only one who has lost a loved one. I know others who have passed this year as well, but I do I hope that I am the only one having a tough time. I would not with this feeling on anyone.

My Grandmother

Her name is Elsie; she was born January 22,1920. She had a stroke February 12 2007, and is paralyzed on her right side. She can not eat, she can not swallow, she can not walk, she can not talk...

She married Christian and had a son; my father Chris in January 1944. Christian died in a plane crash when my father was 11. For a year they would not pronounce him dead because they could not find his plane. My Grandmother pushed and pushed and when they finally found the plane (in a lake in Texas) she sued the pants off the airport who let the men take off with out equipment. She remarried years later; a man named Donald.

When I was a little girl, my Great Aunt Aggie moved in with my Grandmother. Aggie was having a tough time taking care of herself, so Grandmommy helpped out.

When my daughter was born, her birthday parties were at my Grandmother's house and we went trick or treating there every year. Even after her stroke we went trick or treating there. I suppose it was part of my inability to let go...

GrandDonald died last February, and she is still stuck in a nursing home. Unable to say good bye or even attend his funeral.

Today, I spoke to a lawyer. She did not want to be kept alive by tubes...so I had to find out what I need to do to help her. She is not getting better. She is in pain. She is miserable. She is dying at a snails pace...

I don't know what will happen next.

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small cafe
The park across the way
The childrens carosel
The chesnut trees
The wishing well

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summers day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIGO6mQnLjQ

Where are you Christmas??

I need to get something off my chest, to whine and rant…
All of my life I have had battles with depression, and I have one a few with out medication or counseling. The last Christmas that I had a problem with was right after my Grandmother has a stroke a few years ago; and before that one it was when My Grandfather (on my Mom’s side) was dying of cancer.

This Christmas will be the first with out Grand Donald (on my Dad’s side); we are loosing my Grandmother’s house (she bought it the year I was born); several people from the cystic forums have been sick and we have lost some too. I am still not feeling well; I don’t think I have felt good in a while. Maybe a day or two here and there; but this year has been an eye opener for me. I don’t think my life is worthless or anything and I am not suicidal, but I just can’t get myself out of this funk.

Now Christmas is coming and we are broke; my usual answer to this would be “so what we have each other”. This year…I can’t seem to get it out. It seems to get caught in my throat. I don’t want to be around people, well truthfully I do…I just don’t feel like I’m good company. I have to prepare myself, go over conversation ideas in my head…normal stuff I would have talked about before all of this crap.

On Thursday I go in for my second EGD, and I’m having a difficult time finding someone who wants to go with me. I guess I can understand; who wants to take off work to sit in a waiting room all afternoon and then help a sedated Chrissy into the car? My Dad said he’d take me; but he had a cow when I asked him about it. I need someone who can come back to recovery and listen to what the doctor says because it might be important. So I’m a little concerned about it. Wednesday my piano is being moved from my Grandmothers house to mine. My Aunt is helping to cover the cost, and the rest of the money is coming from our Christmas cash. Frank and Kate knew I’d be devastated if I lost the piano and both thought this was worth it. I love them so much.

The cold hard truth...

So tonight I was writing an email to my Aunt Wanda to kinda give her a quick update on my family and stuff. Told her about Kate wearing a size 8 shoe, being 13 and already an inch taller than me, and the parental rights termination hearing....when I realized for the first time...

My Grandmother will not be at the adoption hearing. She won't be able to tell the judge that I am a good mom, that I have been a good mom since day 1...she'll only get to look at pictures. This is something she wanted to see so badly. She and my Grandfather. He passed away earlier this year and I came to terms with the idea that he would never see it. But I had somehow managed to *not* think about how much it meant to me that she wanted to be there; to see it.

So tonight, because this is all I can think about. Because I can't stop crying, and because I love them all I will share a secret. I know what suffering is. It's not what you think...it isn't what I thought...

My Mom's Mom, Grandma--she passed away in 1995. Pre-Kate...I know had she gotten to meet Kate she would have loved her.
My Mom's Dad, Grandfather--passed away when Kate was younger. He and Kate got along great. He started her collecting dolls and coins! Back then we had no idea how badly things would go down hill with Kate's birthmother. I had always wanted to adopt Kate, but her BM was in the picture back then...trying to be Kate's mom...just not trying very hard...
My Dad's Dad, GrandDaddy--I never met him. He died in a plan crash when my dad was a boy. I often wonder if he'd be proud of me, if he would approve of Frank...but I *know* he would have loved Kate.
My Dad's Step Father--GrandDonald--He adored Kate! He was tickled when he heard about the plan for adoption. I only wish this was done sooner for his sake...Kate was devistated when he passed. She missed a whole week of school and we just couldn't believe he was gone. Some days I forget.
My Dad's Mom, Grandmommy--The only Great Grandmother on my side that Kate got to meet. She had a massive stroke a few years ago....the adoption was going to be a surprise but we told her. We wanted her to have something to look forward to. But we know now that she is not coming home. She is paralyzed on her right side, she's unable to speak or eat...
Her husband GrandDonald passed while she was stuck in that nursing home...

You know when I found out about my CF and then about the mitochondrial mutations...when they told me the odds of making it to 4o...with my motor functions in tact...I cried and I couldn't understand why I was the sick one. Why I had to suffer...but life went on. I dealt with it. But when she had the stroke I learned what it was to truly suffer. It is watching someone you love suffer...to watch her try to move---to say something. Anything. Nothing. For the life of me I still can not figure out why this happened to her...

That is why from this night on...I will not cry for what CF or mitochondrial mutations will take from me, but for what they will take from every one I hold dear. Because I know how they feel watching me struggle.