Disability

For the past week I’ve been feeling pretty tired and yesterday I started experiencing bone pain. (I call it that b/c it feels like the pain when I broke my ankle/wrist/knee. Not the break part but the pain you feel after the bone sets and it starts to heal.) My left arm and my right leg, not to mention my hips feel out of socket. I couldn’t even put my own pants on. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but frustrated with my body. I’m going to try some Bayer Back and Body, but I’m not sure if it will help.

Last post I was excited to go on vacation. We went to Duck, NC with friends. We had a pretty good time although I felt like I missed a lot. My biggest missed moment was watching the sunrise from the beach. I just couldn’t wake up to do it. But I did spend some time on the deck, granted it was in the afternoons and evenings but it was nice. I did get a lot of pictures to help me remember as many moments as I can!


This morning has been ok despite the pain, Frank helped me down the steps (and getting dressed) and Kate made me some breakfast. She’s working on her senior project next week, so she won’t be home to help in the mornings. I have my disability hearing tomorrow, so it will be a busy day. I’m hoping that it goes well, and that I can get threw it without crying. But I guess we’ll see.

Duck!

I had NIH this past Wednesday, and tomorrow the fam and I are headed on vacation. I am so excited! NIH went well, I got lectured about doing my treatments and I have a sinus infection (again). But my Lung Function is 82%!

The lecture came about because after speaking with my doctor she had said that if I missed a treatment or two not to worry, because my lungs were sounding clear. Well, I twisted that to mean that I did not have to use them if I was feeling ok. Stupid, I know. I’m trying to get back on track with them. She had me double up on my antibiotics for the next 2 weeks, because of the sinus infection. I had a fever when I went in and I have been having some nasty plugs from my sinuses.
As far as my mitochondrial disease is concerned my CF doc is still trying to get someone to take notice and treat me. Hell, I’d be glad if they’d just studied me. Just so someone else could watch what’s happening and hopefully figure out why and how it’s happening. I understand there is no cure and that it is progressive…but there has to be some kind of treatment. Even if it’s just to help me sleep. I have such a hard time getting comfortable enough to fall asleep.

On to the best news…

Tomorrow we are going on vacation for a week! We are going to Duck, NC and I am so excited. We are going with our friends Chris and Damon and their kids (Alexander and Devin). The beach house is close to the beach, so I won’t have to walk far to get there. Frank was saying he might even drive me as close as he can so that I can save spoons (energy). I just can’t wait to be able to watch the sun rise, and feel the energy. I know it might sound weird but I feel as if the beach is sacred. It is a place where the energy of the land meets the energy of the ocean and I just feel closer to Nature. And for those who don’t know my beliefs…I feel that God and Nature are synonymous. (I also say I feel, rather than I believe because the truth is, I do feel it.)

I am taking a camera to catch as many memories as I can! There is internet access there and despite my want to be active, I’ll probably get online and maybe even post some pictures of my Facebook page. I’d love to go out every day, but I know I won’t! The house has a deck so I’ll probably spend a lot of time sitting out on it, breathing in the salty air and just being closer to my family and God. Nothing could be better.

Wednesday? Already?

This morning I woke up congested, and spent my first two hours awake coughing, hacking and spitting. (Pretty visual- I know) Because of my mitochondrial disease this coughing will be my major activity for the day, because today I woke up with very little energy. Sunday I took Kate out shopping to pick up things she needed for Prom, and on Monday Kate and I went grocery shopping. (Because Frank was sick.) So yesterday I was pretty much useless and today I’m still feeling pretty sore. We have friends coming over this weekend and I’d like to not be in pain the whole time so I’m taking it easy for the next few days. Kate still needs some things for Prom but I think Frank is going to take her out to get them. As long as I’m not driving I should be able to go with them, but I’ll have to skip going into the store unless we take the wheel chair. (Which I hate, because people stare. Seriously. You would think that in this day and age a chick in a wheel chair wouldn’t be such a unique sight, but apparently it is. And those who don’t stare get in the way and then are annoyed when they have to move for the chair.)



After coughing everything up (thank you vest) I’m actually feeling like today is a pretty good day lung wise for me. My lung capacity is pretty good for an adult with CF (77%) but the problem is keeping it there. Because of my mitochondrial disease I have exercise intolerance, some days I might be able to do a few exercises while others there is no way I could. So for right now, I’m doing exercises to keep my muscles from getting any weaker. Exercise is important to CF patients, so the fact that I can’t do it is a real problem. Speaking of, I have to call my clinic and set up my next appointment. I’ve been forgetting, which is also mito related. My memory is terrible.



Here lately my sinuses have not been happy with the weather, so I’ve been taking extra meds to keep them in check. I’m still taking my standard antibiotics and *knocks on wood* everything seems to be going well. Tonight I’m making dinner. I picked something pretty easy with no prep work needed, a pasta casserole type thing. Its rigatoni and pepperoni with ricotta and tomato basil sauce, and I’ll have to have help getting it in and out of the oven.

I can't believe it is Wednesday already.  I feel like it should be Tuesday or maybe even Monday, so that I can get things done. 

My colors are blush and bashful...

I was admitted to the hospital in the beginning of February and I was in for about 14 days. I was on IV antibiotic and met with quite a few doctors. I saw a neurologist, a neurogeneticist, 3 rheumatologists, nutritionist, opthamologist, geneticist, physio and occupational therapy (and of course my CF doc). I had a chest X- ray, MRI, swallow study, an ECHO, abdominal ultrasound, EMG/NCV, an eye full exam, and a q sweat. (Not to mention a ton of blood work.) So some of the tests came back 'off'. They are trying to fit me into a study to help with the pain, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Having a unique mitochondrial mutation leaves the doctors unsure of how to treat me; which means I'm just stuck in limbo waiting for someone to figure me out. So I suppose we will see what happens. On a positive note I went in with a 67% lung function and came out with 77%...

I woke up Monday with a stuffy nose, sore throat and chest congestion. I was hoping it was allergies, but that was just wishful thinking! I am still sick and I feel worse than I felt on Monday. So I put in a call to my doctor to let her know 17 days out of the hospital...and I'm sick. AGAIN. The last time this happened was in October and it lasted until this hospital visit. I'm frustrated, but not as frustrated as my husband. Sometimes I consider lying and telling him I feel fine...but then I realize that I need his support. I just wish he had more support. Sometimes I'm not sure his family understands his stress level (b/c of me), hell I'm not even sure he tells his friends. But Frank is a worrier, and to quote a line from Steel Magnolia's- "I never worry 'cause I always know you're worried enough for the both of us". That's Frank...worried enough for the both of us.

Anyhow...my family is going through some turmoil right now, nothing that I feel comfortable posting details about online. A few of my friends are sick right now too. I wish I could do something. For my family and friends; but physically...I just can't. At least not right now, hopefully if I get a new diagnosis from NIH that I'll get my energy and muscle control back, not to mention get rid of this constant ache.

We bought a ton of Girl Scout cookies so far, in an effort to show support. I'm sure I will have an extra butt cheek to show support at the end of this cookie sale! As for my daughter? She's made Honor Roll with Distinction; I am so proud of her. She is doing well, still cooking and loving it! If there is one thing in this world that I did right, it was raising Kate. It is the most important job in my life, and the thing I'm most proud of (being a Mom).

Small update...

About 3 weeks ago I started feeling awful. It came in quickly and I'm pretty sure it is the flu. I'm dismayed that I can't kick this thing. I'm extremely bothered by the fact that everyone around me seems to be paniced over this...I mean most people get a cold or a virus and it is really not a huge deal. Me? I get it and it stays around for a while. I suppose what adds to the worry is that I haven't been this sick since before I was actually diagnosed with CF at 21. So everyone is looking at this as a huge back slide for me.

I've lost my voice, still have a cough, am wheezing like a 40 year smoker and still have a fever! I have no health insurance, but I think I'm going to see my primary on Friday, although I am honestly not sure what will happen after that. I can't be admitted at our local hospital, I don't have health insurance. Then next week I have my CF clinic; where I hope they admit me. But that rarely ever turns out the way I want, so who knows what will happen. My husband is positive my PFT's have gone down, and I have a feeling he's right. My muscles are just so sore from coughing, moving even hurts. But I've been trying to maintain a level of activity and doing some breathing exercises to try to help my lung function. I'm hoping that my PFT's won't have taken a serious hit because of this, a small one I can handle (I think).

Clinging to CF

So after a discussion with my husband a few nights ago and some serious soul searching...I have come to a realization.

I've been in denial about this whole mitochondrial disease issue. I've been so focused on CF, and raising money and awareness that I have not acknowledged the other serious disease in my life. I've talked about it, sure; but I've done little to fund raise or spread awareness. (At least compared to the stuff I've done for CF)

It occurred to me with VX-770, that a pill for me might be around the corner and I got excited. I've spent a lot of time this week going over stuff I'd like to do, going back to work is one of the things on that list. But then I realized...I'm not working because I get frequent infections, I don't have the energy and my muscles cramp and ache. According to the mito information; those things can all be caused by mitochondrial disease. I knew my muscles were a result of the mito but I kept telling myself everything else could be CF related.

To clarify; I didn't delude my self because CF is less serious in anyway shape or form. I did this because I can explain cystic fibrosis. Because when I tell people I have CF and they ask, "What's that?" I can actually answer. When I tell people I have a mitochondrial disease 95% have no idea what I'm talking about. And when they as, "What is that"; I explain as best as I can a disease that my doctors don't even fully understand. People look at me like I use this as an excuse to be lazy...so I only discuss it with people who already know me and understand mito. When I meet people I don't say "Hi I'm Chrissy and I have two genetic diseases". When health comes up I usually just say I have CF and another genetic disease that is not well known. If people pry by asking what it is, I tell them it is a muscle disease. It sounds better than saying, "It is a disease in which my body doesn't produce enough energy on a day to day basis. So the symptoms can vary from person to person."

I mean typing it, it reads as a straight forward answer...I just wish it was so straight forward that people would not judge me.

Conserving energy

I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I haven't had the energy. Yeah...that's right. I said "energy". It takes a lot for me to sit down and organize my thoughts here. I have found myself; lately, having to pick and choose my activities a lot more carefully. Here is a list of some of those things that I have to choose between most days:

Things that take energy
1. Getting out of bed
2. Getting a shower
3. Getting dressed
4. Coming down the stairs
5. Getting my medicine together and prepping treatments
6. Going into the kitchen to get something to eat
7. Eating breakfast
8. Cleaning up after breakfast
9. Going to the bathroom
10. Making phone calls
11.Logging in to school and participating
12.Walking back from the kitchen to the sofa.

I think you get the idea (a few of these I have to do more than once). Some days I wake up and can get 5 or 6 things done while others (less often) I can maybe even help out by starting a load of laundry or *gasp* I might have enough energy to spend some time with friends.

I do not consider myself a lazy person, but I'm not sure how many of my friends and family actually get how much energy it takes me to do the smallest task. Yesterday I had to take a shower with my husband, not for anything kinky mind you...but because I couldn't wash my hair. I'm not kidding either. Most people don't really know how bad it is because I honestly don't talk about it much.

I just feel bad about it. Embarrassed. Frustrated. Angry. I would rather not get the looks filled with pity, or they say "What about trying this or that?". My condition isn't something my doctors seem to know much about so, I don't like trying to explain something that even the "experts" have problems understanding.

These things are why when I have the energy I'll take my daughter shopping (even if I have to keep her out of school). This is why when friends or family call and ask for help or say they want to spend time with me--I'll move heaven and earth if I have the energy.