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I am a wife and mother who also has cystic fibrosis and a mitochondrial disease.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Ghost of Christmas Past

It's all most Christmas, and I took me a while to get into Christmas this year. You know, the holiday spirit. I guess you could say I've got it know, but I still feel kind of blah. All my major shopping is done, just need to pick up some stocking stuffers. But I'm still not feeling all Christmasy, I maybe feel 65% Christmasy.

I spent some time last night thinking about this past year, and I think I realized why I don't feel it. 2010 has been not nice to me, and I'm feeling a little kicked. My Grandmother passed away this year, I lost health insurance, my muscle disease has caused more problems...I could go on...but it is pointless. It won't help me feel better.

So I have been trying to get in the Christmas spirit. I've been randomly listening to carols for short blocks of time. I've been eating cookies and other holiday desserts every day (sometimes twice). I've been watching holiday movies with my family. Nothing seems to help though, and I'm running out of ideas. My last class discussed depression and I fit the bill.

After my Grandmother passed I waited for my "break down moment" you know the one where I spend a day or two sad and mopey, the one where I eat everything in the house and cry a lot. But it just hasn't happened yet. So I'm thinking this might just be the root of my depression; everything else is good...my family, my friends...yeah some other stuff happened but I don't know if it was enough to throw me off my game. Not like this.

I just cannot let my guard down enough to allow myself to get upset, I'm used to being the strong one. I keep thinking of how we would go over every year on Christmas when I was a child; and then when Kate was born we took her over every year too. We had dinner there, at least until I got married and had Christmas dinner with my husbands family and Thanksgiving dinner with mine. I remember walking in and seeing that Santa had brought me Barbie's townhouse and the year I got the cool cabbage patch with cornsilk hair. I remember when I got older sitting in her turtle back chairs and listening to Christmas Music while GrandDonald cooked dinner. Some years we would tinker on the piano before dinner was ready.

I know I'm not the only one who has lost a loved one. I know others who have passed this year as well, but I do I hope that I am the only one having a tough time. I would not with this feeling on anyone.