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I am a wife and mother who also has cystic fibrosis and a mitochondrial disease.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Where are you Christmas??

I need to get something off my chest, to whine and rant…
All of my life I have had battles with depression, and I have one a few with out medication or counseling. The last Christmas that I had a problem with was right after my Grandmother has a stroke a few years ago; and before that one it was when My Grandfather (on my Mom’s side) was dying of cancer.

This Christmas will be the first with out Grand Donald (on my Dad’s side); we are loosing my Grandmother’s house (she bought it the year I was born); several people from the cystic forums have been sick and we have lost some too. I am still not feeling well; I don’t think I have felt good in a while. Maybe a day or two here and there; but this year has been an eye opener for me. I don’t think my life is worthless or anything and I am not suicidal, but I just can’t get myself out of this funk.

Now Christmas is coming and we are broke; my usual answer to this would be “so what we have each other”. This year…I can’t seem to get it out. It seems to get caught in my throat. I don’t want to be around people, well truthfully I do…I just don’t feel like I’m good company. I have to prepare myself, go over conversation ideas in my head…normal stuff I would have talked about before all of this crap.

On Thursday I go in for my second EGD, and I’m having a difficult time finding someone who wants to go with me. I guess I can understand; who wants to take off work to sit in a waiting room all afternoon and then help a sedated Chrissy into the car? My Dad said he’d take me; but he had a cow when I asked him about it. I need someone who can come back to recovery and listen to what the doctor says because it might be important. So I’m a little concerned about it. Wednesday my piano is being moved from my Grandmothers house to mine. My Aunt is helping to cover the cost, and the rest of the money is coming from our Christmas cash. Frank and Kate knew I’d be devastated if I lost the piano and both thought this was worth it. I love them so much.

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