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I am a wife and mother who also has cystic fibrosis and a mitochondrial disease.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

fear and death

So today, I was feeling a little down thinking about those who have passed because of CF.I did not know any of them personally but being in the same support circle; I felt as though I did-in a way.It always stings when someone passes because of CF, but so far this year 3 have passed. 3. I just think of that number and I am scared out of my mind. Sad beyond belief. And that is only 3 that I had heard about my self. I am doing well lung wise. No recent chest infections or anything. My sinuses seem to always be infected lately, but I'm used to it. My muscles are always achy here lately--but I'm used to that too. My digestive system is still wonky, but mainly because we are trying to pin point what medication and how much I need. My joints have been bothering me which is new, and alarming because I have no idea if it is my mitochondrial disease progressing or if it is just because it has been so cold lately.

Anyway--it is all just a lot. The deaths, I mean. I can deal with pain or discomfort but death breaks my heart. I believe in heaven; but my heart breaks for those who are left behind. The sorrow they'll endure...I wish no one had to deal with it.

It's part of life, I know. It's not supposed to be easy, I know that too. I suppose I just think it is unfair that these people have to watch a loved one struggle and suffer...and then have to pick up the pieces when they are gone. I don't think it is fair. I think it is because I am close to friends and family that this bothers me so. Because I know one day it will be their turn. Their turn to watch and then to have to pick up the pieces.

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